?

an hour ago i was asked a question which inspired this post. this question led to an hour of conversation revolving around the question itself. different opinions were stated n yet there was no conclusion. just a shuffle of arguments and agreements.

i know what is playing in your mind right now. what is the question?? :)
well..it was.."did u have feelings for ****** before?"
it was a simple yes or no question but it left me digging up for old memories..for all the yesterdays. it led my mind to trail down the path of what if's. but it never happened and it never will. or maybe only time will tell.

i thought back. i had this feeling somehow or rather that you did feel for me. at least i thought so. i didn't want to feel proud about it cause i knew right from the start that i would disappoint you. and i wish it hadn't happened. i didn't want to hurt you. i could feel you staring at me from behind and when i looked back you would look away. for a while you made me happy but later on self- conscious as the days went by. on certain days you were exceptionally nice but occasionally we barely uttered 10 sentences. you made me confused. confused about how this would affect our friendship that i treasured. confused about what i should do and what not.

i thought hard. i thought of coming clean. but truth is you never confessed. and 90% of me was glad that you never did..and hoped that you never would. the other remains of me were pondering upon the what if's you actually did. days went by..months even and i decided to pretend to be blind towards the many hints that i gathered some of which i sheepishly admit i was really blind.

tonight after being asked that question, i wonder did i hurt you more when i decided that the right thing to do was to pretend to be blind and ignore the hints or would i hurt you more if i came clean and have a heart to heart talk with you?

i know that the latter would obviously be the better option as i sit and think now. but back then, i just couldn't. i didn't have the courage to do it. what if you denied? what if i was wrong? i didn't want to risk losing the bond we already bridged. i didn't want to feel weird around you. i didn't want us to have to start all over again as a matter of fact. back then it was all about me. i only thought about me n now i realised how hard it might have been for you. in all my pretence. how much did i hurt you?

all i can say is that i truly am sorry. for the hurt i've caused you. for the hurt only u can feel. for the hurt that i can only understand. and for what it's worth, our friendship is one that i will always treasure.